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sex, drugs, and roast pork buns
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| gettin' gettin' some head |
[12 Jun 2006|05:34pm] |
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Shawanna - Getting Some Head (Dirty).mp3 |
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the next best thing to being a hot young scandalous woman in new york city is being a hot young scandalous gay man. both compete for the title of 'most likely to get laid'.
and if i ever opened up a gay nightclub in the city, i'd name it 'the seventh circle' -- c/o dante's inferno, of course. it would be for gay men and sodomites only. because everyone knows that gay men take much better care of themselves physically than gay women, and i'd much rather watch two good-looking guys make out than watch two frumpy, unshaved women do the same.
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(10 groupies had something to say. | be a groupie.)
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| with great praise |
[18 May 2006|02:49am] |
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my bf graduated from columbia yesterday with a B.A. (second one!) in math and economics, magna cum laude. woo!
i don't usually do this kind of shit, but since these past few days have been so proud and festive and all, here's a public photo of us demonstrating our happy couple-ness. 
look at how happy we are!! JUST FUCKING LOOK AT US!
that is all.
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| fresh trout and tomatoes. |
[25 Apr 2006|01:55am] |
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 calm |
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Colloquial Chinese - Lesson 4.mp3 |
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earlier this evening, after dinner, i said a very brief but sincere "thank you" to my mom, probably for the first time in my life. it came out as she was hurriedly entering my room, tackling 5 things all at once in her usual speedy, distracted way –- offering me a plate of chopped fruits while asking where my laundry was while hanging up clothes by the window while speaking on the phone about investments in the philippines and land and the house and the rent and the this and the that.
and as i watched her, i suddenly realized that the only reason why she ever was so proactive about cooking me nice dinners or bringing food to my room was because it was the safest way -- the only way -- she knew how to interact with me, asshole of a teenager that i was. in the wild, one way to keep an irritable young grizzly bear from mauling you is to offer it some food in the hope that it will learn to trust you, and maybe even be loyal to you. and for many years, my mom nervously fed me steaks and fresh trout to keep my growls at bay.
so when i said this "thank you" she was noticeably stunned, and even paused for a moment in the middle of her phone conversation. then, smiling, she walked over to kiss me on the forehead, and left my room while closing the door behind her. i don't ever remember being kissed on the forehead by my mom, and i don't think even she can remember the last time i said something nice to her. it must be a terrible feeling to go so many years without being recognized and loved by your own child. but tonight, she finally looked relieved.
well, it is certainly nice to feel like a normal, civilized human being now. and i'm sure my mom feels the same way for herself, too.
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| never trust a big butt and a smile / that girl is poisonnnnnnn |
[07 Feb 2006|12:09am] |
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Bell Biv Devoe - New Edition - Poison.mp3 |
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school is taking up much of my time these days. i've officially dropped my arabic studies for chinese, and, in the first few weeks of learning this odd and musical-sounding language, i'm told my tone-pronounciation is the bomb. intro chinese feels a lot like being in the choir, actually. our professor even put up a sheet note on the board to direct us...
"you can tell a lot about a person by the kinds of friends he keeps around" -- so i was once told as a teenager, but have only now fully come to understand. and for the first time in my life i've become highly selective about the kinds of people i choose to spend my time with. back in high school, everyone was cool enough to keep around; if they gave you company and helped pass the time in a non-boring way, that was enough criteria for a friendship. you called people up whether they actually cared about you or not, simply because you shared the same route back home on the train, or for whatever weak reason kept you talking. well, something changed for me ever since i came back from japan -- whether because of my own maturation or because of my experiences with so many awesome and sincere people over there -- i've suddenly stopped giving a shit altogether about frivolous, ungrateful, and useless people. it's come to the point where i'd rather spend my friday nights at home reading 'the economist' than go out for a drink with some nonsense crowd. and i've never been known to turn down an opportunity to drink, even in superficial company. answers to the question of "why are you friends with this person?" like "knew her since we were 5" or "not homeless" or "not a serial murderer" just don't make the cut anymore.
anyway, my buddy list has since dropped from 150 to about 15, with a similar rate for my phone book and such -- and i don't feel bad about it at all.
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[14 Jan 2006|12:01am] |
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LJ update: I am in Japan. * * * i spent the last few days hanging out in tokyo by myself, leaving my japanese friend back in the suburbs to work on some grad school applications. i remember that i used to LOVE traveling to different cities by myself as a teenager, and so when i arrived in tokyo i thought it'd be the same kind of adventerous blast. but i guess i had forgotten that as a teenager i was single, and so that must've been the reason why i used to have so much fun traveling. i did not expect things to be so boring for me here in tokyo, but i guess when you're strolling around recovering from the flu in a foreign country where no one speaks your language, that can make you want to end your trip early. although, needless to say, language barriers never used to be a problem for me back in the day (the language of love being universal, and all)...
well, my mom just arrived in tokyo from manila, so it is nice to finally have some company again. i was hoping to do some fun girly nightlife things in the small gay/lesbian district of tokyo before she arrived, but i never did manage to recover from my flu. and coughing and leaving a mountain of moist, crumpled-up tissues on the bar isn't exactly the most attractive way to make new friends. so, like a lamer i stayed in my hotel room watching japanese porn -- which really sucks by the way. i have a funny story about this that i'll probably tell later.
tomorrow is my last night in tokyo. i feel bad that i did not get a chance to party out here like i planned. a shitload of buying the latest tokyo fashion items, but not one single club or karaoke bar. i wasn't well enough to get drunk even ONCE -- the closest thing to a night of drinking i got was the toast of sweet beer on my first dinner with my host family. and i couldn't even finish that. sigh. a curse of the boyfriend i left behind in new york, for sure. i will have to confront him when i get back.
still, i should mention that sex, drugs, and techno beats aren't the only ways to have fun in a foreign land. there are lots of beautiful temples and gardens to soak in here in japan, and if i were in better health and had more time, i would have even spent some days lodging at a monastery, living, eating, and meditating with monks.
i guess i'll have to sratch my itch to drop it like it's hot when i'm back in new york then.
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| Columbians on the loose. |
[28 Nov 2005|02:42pm] |
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Kelis - Milkshake.mp3 |
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these are some of my vacation photos from boston/cambridge last weekend. we were there to check out a class at the harvard school of business, but more importanly to revel in general drunken vandalism and debauchery.
hello, everyone. meet my new boyfriend!
( 'cuz i know you've all been dying to. )
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| Random thoughts about god while sitting on the pooper. |
[17 Nov 2005|12:57pm] |
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DJ Tiesto - Insomnia (good mix).mp3 |
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Although I've been agnostic-atheist since Ash Wednesday of this year and have since stopped pondering about the nature of god and spirits and myths and the afterlife, there's still one thing I somehow can't get myself to do...and that's reading the scriptures while on the crapper. I picked up The Good Book on my way to do #2, but halfway through the act (of crapping, that is) I felt a sudden dread, worked up by my own imagination, picturing all sorts of curses and damnation. So I threw The Word w3rd out of the room and into the hallway, which probably didn't help the curses much. Well, we'll see how my day goes today!
Anyway, we are reading the Old Testament for my Greek literature class now in school, and I'm happy to finally read this as it should be read -- as a marvel of human creativity and ancient wisdom, inspired by life experiences rather than the divine. This may seem like a simple and obvious fact to those who grew up in non-religious households, but for the rest of us, to come to this level often takes many years of meditation and mental effort. The steps leading away from religious tradition can be very uncomfortable (or awesome, as it was in my case), and cognitive dissonance -- the feeling one gets from having spent so much effort on a particular thing for no good reason, and so in order to keep from feeling pathetic one creates justifications (often lying to one's self or other excuses) to explain the continuation of their behavior -- keeps many people stuck with the same religious beliefs they were taught as a child. To put things in perspective, out of all my 100+ family members and relatives here in the US, only myself and one other have come to this point. And things get even more difficult to change for people back in the Philippines.
Well, back on the bookshelf this Bible goes now.
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| kicks and kicks and kicks and kicks |
[27 Oct 2005|09:11pm] |
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my god. what else is there to write about when you're workin' like a dog majoring in economics at columbia university? my brain is fucking fried. i get my kicks over at "the heights" with a pint of guinness every thursday night, and that is the highlight of my week. i am too tired to write anything anymore. speaking is just so much easier. and even easier over a pint of guinness.
i know! in the absence of interesting words, maybe i should start taking random pictures of myself and inanimate objects that interest me and post them up in my journal for everyone to see and comment on! pictures of me in front of the mirror, pictures of me in my new hat, pictures of my action figures, pictures of my bowl of rice, pictures of my calculus homework.
yes, that sounds like an idea. although now i'll have to go out and buy a digital camera since, in the absence of money, i've just been borrowing from random people all these years and forcing them to e-mail me everything.
okay, well, i'll start now with a picture of an inanimate object that interests me. it's a picture of my campus. i got this from the website but uh, let's just pretend i took it okay.
i took this from a helicopter that day.
that's all for now. more of me in front of my action figures and comic book collection next time!
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| telemachos. |
[19 Oct 2005|05:20pm] |
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i've decided to give myself a break and sneak back into the internet again. the frivolous, unproductive, chatty, time-wasting, and useless aspect of the internet, that is. i'd promised myself that www.columbia.edu would be only webpage i'd ever need to use for the next six months, but i really do need a break now, just for a moment, since i've been working so hard since september 25, the night of my grand, mushroom-esque self-realization. plus i thought it might be rude to just disappear like that, all cryptic and shit, and not answering my phone from anyone except mom and hubby.
i never thought alcohol would be the drug anyone could ever have a bad trip on, but apparently it happened to me that day, the result of a much needed, long overdue bought of introspection. and man, was it was ugly. i'd been wrong the entire time. i'd been stupid. i'd taken for granted those who loved me because i knew they'd sit there and take my shit. i always knew that bullying the weak made the insecure feel strong, but i never imagined myself to be one of them. what a fucking mess i was. what a failure. what an asshole. what an idiot of an overgrown teenager i had been, all these years. i finally took down the defense mechanisms, the denial, the self-lies. i finally hated myself for all the right reasons. and what a good, agonizing cry it was.
i can feel the last traces of my adolescence dying away now, and good riddance to that.
don't ever expect to evolve if you still get offended by criticism from people older and wiser than you. they are just trying to save you some time.
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| This Just In. |
[28 Aug 2005|12:57pm] |
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"no promises, no demands / love is a battlefield" |
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I am no longer a lesbo virgin.
:D
Way to lose it in a one-person nightclub bathroom, though. I always thought my first time would be on a bed of flower petals in a room filled with scented candles, or some gay shit like that. Ah, well. It's now or never!
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| Nursing? |
[18 Apr 2005|03:24pm] |
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Something very strange must be happening with my brain chemistry development.
I'm now actually considering -- after many years of thumbing my nose at the mere suggestion -- taking up a year and half or so of nursing to replace my mom's nice $100k+ a year position when she retires.
Money ($_$) and real work experience have taken a dramatic hold of what is important to me now, while artistic and scholarly pursuits seem like they can wait.
But I don't necessarily have to give up one for the other. Who says I can't still read Dante after a long day of changing feeding tubes and drawing blood.
Hell, Tera Patrick seems to be having fun!
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| Spring Break Weekend #1, 2005. |
[15 Mar 2005|04:19pm] |
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mood |
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Beatles - We Can Work It Out.mp3 |
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Went out to party on Thursday, March 10, and did not wake up to a sober world until Monday, March 14. Quite a long night. I am burnt out.
I have been disturbed love and intimacy. Unprecedented. This is a point of no return.
* * * "This is the song I've always pictured myself singing to you one day," I told him. "I know I make a lot of mistakes...so I practiced this on the guitar, thinking I'd need to use it one day to convince you to stay with me."
We both curled up into each other, silent as we listened to the lyrics in the background. Vulnerable, high, in love, and afraid.
Try to see it my way
Do I have to keep on talking till I can't go on
While you see it your way
Run the risk of knowing
that our love may soon be gone
We can work it out
We can work it out
Think of what you're saying
You can get it wrong
And still you think that it's all right
Think of what I'm saying
We can work it out
and get it straight or say goodnight
We can work it out
We can work it out
Life is very short
and there's no time
for fussing and fighting, my friend
I have always thought
that it's a crime
So I will ask you once again
Try to see it my way
Only time will tell if I am right or wrong
While you see it your way
There's a chance that we might fall apart
Before too long
We can work it out...
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| Religious Chant, and finding teenage thoughts really, really retarded. |
[24 Feb 2005|04:24am] |
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Dufay - Ave maris stella.mp3 |
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Just when I thought I had become desensitized to all genres of music, I find...
Medieval chant!
Well, technically Renaissance chant in the medieval mode. (Just showing off a bit of what my 30K a year education is teaching me these days. Thanks, music hum!)
I finally have something to listen to again. It's been a while.
On another note (hee), reading through my old, teenage-angsty livejournal posts embarrasses me. I'm so tempted to edit out all these whiny, wordy, and underdeveloped thoughts, but I'd rather keep track of my development, no matter how lame I sounded in the past. I'll probably feel the same way later about my early-twenties thoughts, anyway.
I'm amazed at how many people used to read and seriously comment to my teenage livejournal posts. They're just so, so embarrassing.
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| Small Steps Toward Improving Your Character. |
[18 Feb 2005|10:07pm] |
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music |
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can anyone recommend some good mp3s? |
] |
You should get into the habit of pointing out your own mistakes before anyone else can get the chance to criticize you.
And of course, after you're done pointing out your own mistakes, it naturally follows that you should do something about them.
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| One thing on my mind. |
[04 Feb 2005|11:55pm] |
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 horny |
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I've said it before and I'll say it again:
I wouldn't mind a girlfriend on top of a boyfriend -- literally!
These are the perks of having a relationship with Cammy. And so far, none have taken me up on the offer.
Tsk, tsk.
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| Something to Chew on. |
[29 Jan 2005|04:46pm] |
You would think that people who have been cheated on and lied to in the past would not dirty themselves in the same crimes.
Think again, my friend. The weak are easily seduced.
To be fair, everyone makes mistakes. The question that reamins is: which lover was the mistake?
The truth is never easy to confront. Lies can protect you, in the meantime. Especially when it comes to lying to yourself.
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| The heartbroken has become the heartbreaker. |
[04 Jan 2005|05:09pm] |
[edited on Jan 28, 2005]
How lovely it must make him feel to have someone who cares much, someone who he could emotionally take for granted, someone who would still love him and try to work things out no matter how he might behave. What an ego trip it must be to have someone so needy and head-over-heels for him. Emotionally, he is investing so little, while the other person is investing so much. Sure, he may care to some extent, but he is not in love and he knows it. This person may already picking out names for their kids and locations for a future home together; meanwhile, he is silently thinking of a painless way to exit. Yet he stays in the relationship because he is comfortable -- how could he refuse someone who wants to do so much for him, who holds him in such high esteem?
I've done things like this in the past, and I've seen it done to other people. Take it from a reformed, ex-criminal -- it is one of the shadiest things you could ever do to a person. But it happens all the time. Maybe I was on the extreme end, completely insensitive and harsh while he stood by to take it until the very end. But even if I had been on my best behavior, as he is now with her, it still would have been unfair for me to have left him hanging with expectations of a future together, of "working it out." You can only be polite for so long.
You will never have a guilty conscience about other people's heartaches, as long as you have honestly expressed what your plans were all along. Don't even try to pretend; just make the disclaimer loud and clear. If they fall on their faces and break themselves, it's because of their own egoless stupidity. All you can do is offer consolation as a friend.
A balanced, honest relationship would not make a person feel "locked down." If I ever felt this way in the past, it was because I wasn't making the right choices.
It would be noble to establish where you stand, to not let the other person expect anything more than you are willing to give; it would be smart for that person to to keep his or her expectations and emotional attachments in check, never feeling more for you than you do in return.
But people are not always noble or smart.
Not everyone has the strength or confidence to be honest. Not everyone has the strength or confidence to leave an unfair relationship.
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| Mabuhay! |
[30 Dec 2004|02:47pm] |
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I'm in the Philippines now, as I have been since December 25. (I'm all right, by the way. The tsunami missed the Philippines, blocked by other islands. Thanks to all those concerned.)
Since I don't have time to write something new (too much socializing going on here), I'll just copy and paste my various (cropped) e-mails for now, give a sense of what's going on.
Date: Sat, 25 Dec 2004 03:02:32 -0500
I'm in Cebu now. It's way humid here, and all the girls dress like fobs. Haven't seen a cute one yet!
--
Date: Mon, 27 Dec 2004 12:03:30 -0500
I'm sitting here now at the receptionist booth at the little hotel here in Baybay (bye bye!). I'm having a really nice time so far, meeting up with old school friends, chillin' out at the beach, driving around in jeeps, walking aimlessly, visiting random houses, drinking beer. So idle, but so pleasant.
I just came back from a Miss Baybay coronation event. Boring, but at least I got to see some pretty girls. Everyone keeps telling me to run for Miss Baybay 2005. Hmmm! I'm wearing that sexy black dress from Halloween now, with one strappy sandal on. (The other one fell off my foot as I walked over here, Cinderella style.)
--
Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 03:26:40 -0500
The cute little outfits I wear around town bring me a lot of catcalls and overt attention here. But it's not like I'm wearing anything provocative, just a lot of color and style in a place where "dressing cute" (even for rich girls) means the same kind of outfit: slender (Guess, it's gotta be Guess) blue jeans, sandals with a little heel, and a collared, sleeveless shirt. And here I am in my bright red pants and tank tops with funky flower patterns. And star earrings. No wonder people stare.
I get approached by a lot of young people who I don't know/remember. I feel like a little starlet, a local celebrity or something. People call out my name and come walk with me if I'm alone, shake my hand, talk about all they know about me. "Hey, I went to the same school as you in 6th grade!" or "Hey, I sat next to you in the van that time when you were on your way to church!" And I'm like, whoa, slow down dudes, who are you people?
I'm a tease here in Baybay for sure, but I'd much rather be teasing you, baby!
--
Date: Wed, 29 Dec 2004 09:39:51 -0500
So, I'm wayyyy dark now. The sun burned me on today's field trip. We took out a boat and sailed out to some small deserted islands, spending the day eating, swimming, and collecting various aqua life until late afternoon. I had a great time, bonded with new friends. But I no longer stand out as a light-skinned beauty anymore, darn! Time to go back to the lower east side.
If I go back all dark-skinned and chinita looking like this to the ghetto, my ass will never hear the end of it.
Holla at a brotha, yo!
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| Diamonds are a girl's best friend. |
[21 Dec 2004|05:19pm] |
20-something Me: "Balloons and funny cards -- these are the kinds of gifts I get. I don't ask for much. Large or small, creative gifts make me really happy."
30-something Person: "Oh, just wait and see. I'd say by around...age 25 or so, you'll want those diamond earrings for Christmas."
Everyone says that girls become more materialistic and money-minded as they age, but I'd like to think I'll be an exception to this rule. Still, young hippies often grow up to be The Man they so feverishly protested in college. Maybe that will be my fate as well.
Siiiiigh.
Republican party, here I come!
(But at least I don't confuse expensive gift-giving with love.)
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| Go shawty. |
[02 Dec 2004|03:14pm] |
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professor's lecture. |
] |
"What would you like for your birthday, Camille?"
"Hmmmm. How'bout a line of coke off a stripper's titties?"
It's mah birfday.
I'm finally 21!
For the first time I'll be able to use my real ID without breaking a sweat in front of bouncers.
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| When Hearts Attack, Part V! |
[22 Nov 2004|02:43am] |
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mood |
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 hungry |
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So my doctor called today, and it turns out I have an extremely high cholesterol level. Not very common for girls my age, it seems. Ajit: Wow. Think of the headlines. "Girl At Columbia University Dies of Heart Attack at Age 20." That's pretty embarrassing.
Me: Yeah...I guess it would be embarrassing. But at least I wouldn't have to worry about facing everyone at work the next day. .............that's 'cuz I'll be dead! Hah ha...hah......ehhh...
Ajit: Time to cut down on all that leftover pizza for breakfast.
Me: And cheese fries and gravy for lunch.
Ajit: And fried chicken wings for dinner.
Me: ...aw, darn.
This super cute bikini figure is quite deceptive. I've got the heart of a 40-year-old American man!
Sigh. Gluttony catches up with you sooner or later, I suppose. You can only take your body for granted for so long.
Fucking salad.
:(
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[16 Nov 2004|05:34am] |
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content |
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I've run out of things to say for now, other than the fact that I'm very content in life. This journal is probably going to get very boring for all my readers soon, if it hasn't already. I apologize.
Dear fiends. I am happy. I have no wild stories to tell you about my life anymore. No more dishes shattering across the room, running away from home, dropping out of high school; no more cat-fights on Third Avenue, shrink evaluations, lesbian dramas, fake IDs, one night stands gone wrong, womanizing, man-in-izing, internet notoriety, bullying half-witted teenage girls, playing devil's advocate, sex, drugs, or roast pork buns. I'm doing well in school, jog every morning, and eat balanced meals. My insomnia is gone. I sleep before midnight, even on weekends. Conversations with my mom have never been better.
Like, yawwwwwwwwwwn.
There is a reason for all this, of course. But who would've guessed that happiness could sound so boring. Someone please give me something to write about!
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